Issues I need to share

Having an interesting day... I had a pretty reasonable day at work today and only got a little tired so was happy then went to the gym but during the last few hours of work something snapped and Colin came out to play. With all the great girls donating and organising an amazing workout session for charity I snapped. It's not because I don't love the effort and am entirely grateful but because of old Casie who much preferred to hide out of the spotlight and helped others. The thoughts that always pop in my head is holy crap what if they want something in return and what if I don't make the money and let every down is the main one. It makes me uncomfortable and I don't know why.

I want it to be about the cause not how awesome I am cos frankly I don't think I am worth all this effort. Don't get me wrong and I hope people reading this doesn't take it the wrong way as it is all my mental issues and I have always down everything myself so this is weird for me. It got overwhelming as I have no clue on how to return the favour. I had a cry and a sob and blurted out to nathan who is just as anti-social as I am if not worse and helped me see a little clearer.

Then comes my next issue.... my man (aka my rock) is disappearing for 6 weeks to Melbourne so what if I collapse in a heap without my rock. He is my stabiliser and I hate to tarnish such a great image of me that Chrambo wrote but I have just as many issues as I do passions. Nathan understands me and helps me deal with my emotions like no one I know so this will be a hard 6 weeks for me but I will get through this. I will keep saying I will get through this.

Fingers crossed for a loss tomorrow because I am getting alot stronger physically just need the mentality to catch up but I will however give myself snaps for not binging not even once.

To round up my blog I just need some time to get my head around friends that actually help and support me and not expect anything in return. I want you to know how much I have been used in the past and don't know what to do with true friends sadly.

This blog is not a feel sorry for me blog its a I want you guys to understand why I have flipped out and maybe a little more about me.

God I hope I don't let you guys down :(

Ouchy week 1

Hey gorgeous peoples. I realised my blogs aren't funny or pretty but hey they work for me so ner :P. Ok so we are up to day 3 of the challenge and I feel like I could sleep for week. I am absolutely exhausted every night and ready for bed at 730pm. I have not been to bed at such an early hour since I was 14 years old and still at home of course and being sent to bed.

I feel I have worked my ass off and today was a challenge and half for I even had a go at my boss hehehe. Someone gave the ward a box of lindt chocolates, the boss brought in 3 bags of lollies for the staff and there was a chocolate cake and honeycomb cookies brought in for someone's birthday. I would walk into the kitchen and say to myself NO NO NO NO NO NO!!!!!! I could not be bothered burning off the extra calories that is in all that and watching the other staff and saying to myself well that is going to go straight to your thighs. I am nasty when I can't have things it seems. I did not have one bit of any of that food and it made me sad and proud all at the same time. It took every ounce of my mental ability to stop myself and the words "well a little bit won't hurt" snuck in. It is amazing how our thoughts can derail us in a heart beat. Gotta be careful of that little devil that lives in my head.

The work outs have been great and I have been giving it my all. Even if my trainer is evil and trying to kill me. I swear he is :P. If I don't get down under 70 kilos by next wednesday it won't be through lack of trying since I have 5 days off after tomorrow night I will be going hard every day but Sunday. I think I deserve a rest but I have 2 sessions of zumba next week and the training sessions as well as Michelle's work outs I think I should be able to get there.

Well listeners I am extremely proud of myself and to think I actual cook my own food now is a feat in itself. I hope I have more exciting news for you later but for now I will leave you with one parting gift. I lost 400g in 3 days :). Oh and its not an excuse but a fact that I am aboriginal and it is actually harder for us to lose weight but you know what I am going to kick that gene's ass and tell it to get over it I am losing the fat. I don't live in a desert so therefore am not going to starve and so don't need this extra fat I am carrying. LETS KICK BUTT ON SATURDAY.

update

Ok here is my update since last time. I have lost a further 500g, rode my bike 30km ( a personal achievement ticked off). I rode from Sandgate to Scarborough and back again was an amazing feeling and not once did I have ANY negative thoughts go through my head which is a complete first for me :).

I had  a crash and burn day about a week ago. I felt extremely overwhelmed and felt like I had failed completely. I wrote on the forums and on my Facebook page begging for help as I felt I was sinking and the amazing people out there is astonishing. I realised all you have to do if you are drowning if raise your hand and you will be saved just like if you are caught in a rip at the beach. Love all you guys sooo much.

I also started writing my diary and I can tell you now if I didn't do this task I would be pulling my hair out by now I can tell you now and out of curiosity I got my man to take my picture and I will also show you how I was prior to this and 17 kilos heavier. I have come a long way already and am only half way :O I may very well disappear by the end of week 12. OK here they are.....

Ok that is me last on the right and have no idea how to add my other photo hehehe. But of those who have seen me in real life its quite a bit different :). I am very proud of how far I have come even with a knee injury.

PIP this morning was amazing and met some wonderful people who will be my inspiration this round. I even by coincidence met a lovely lady whose other half is actually on the same shift as my man at work. Damn small world I tell you now.

All I can say now is let the games begin and find the bubbly and very confident woman I once was. I can't wait. I read an old journal of about 10 years ago now and I had 3 guys after me all at the same time which I was gobsmacked at today and remembered those days hehehe. But I was 55kilos back then and that is where I am heading back to as soon as I can.





Let our life stories unfold for the better guys and I would love to be cast as a friend to many of you.

Til I blog again xxxxx

Task number 2 Setting my plan

Ok this one is a tad difficult cos apart from lose weight and get a bit fitter I don't have any long term goals so will have to think about this one.

I was realistic and said I want to lose at least another 2 kilos in the next month and will go about that by hitting the gym 3 days a week as well as riding my bike and most of all eating cleanly. But after this I pretty much guessed I wanted to be able to run 2km non stop by 3 months time seeing that I am not allowed to run yet and may not be able to for about another month. 6 months I said I wanted to ride my bike at least 60km non stop along paths and stuff because that is alot of fun :). But 12 months will depend on how well I go for the other goals. I will really have to sit down and think about these goals I think and maybe talk them over with the fiance' (he is my sounding board).

Hmm a toughy. Might even ask Mark my trainer to help me set some goals that I will agree that I really want to do for me not just because someone has said so (I am very stubborn like that).

I hope all you guys are having better luck at this task than me. Have a great day.

No more excuses

OK still on the no more excuses theme. I found a few more excuses I used and actually thought one was rather weird. I will share it with you.

I don't want any male attention so I will just stay fat.

OK that is my weirdest one yet but I guess it was true as my self esteem was completely depleted from ex asshole and self confidence was non-existent I found being fat was a heck of alot easier. No more plus I have a gorgeous ring on my finger to make them run a mile if I don't want that attention now. Not that it has happened just yet and maybe never will but as an 18 year old apparently I was hot.

Also this week I am doing well on the exercise front. I did zumba last night, training session this morning plus Pilates this morning. I have Pilates tomorrow and training on Friday but I am going to make a super Sunday. I am going to go to zumba at the gym then yoga straight after it oh and walking with the awesome ladies of north Brisbane for a lovely 7km as well. I may be buggered that day but hey it won't kill me.

My new motto is it won't kill me and JUST DO IT. Omg did I need that this morning but hey I went and feel better for it. My knee controls are getting better and apparently control prevents injury so I just hope I get enough control by the end of the 12wbt that I can run.

Then I am off to work for 4 evenings this week lets just hope I shake a kilo off this week :).

All in all I just want to say I am on top of the world and buggered all at the same time.

preseason Task 1

Ok task 1 NO MORE EXCUSES. I will vow that I will fit exercise into my daily routine and succeed. I need this and like others I have read the number one for me is too busy or I have to work. No more. I have been pretty good lately so hopefully I can just continue this. I have been exercising before work but have been slacking off lately. I will own up to it. Lazy me slipped out yesterday and having a cold is NO excuse. I will be riding a few kilometers today though on my new bike :).

Watching Michelle's video this morning was very inspirational and made me go Oh wow I really did do that to myself. No more I need to get fitter and healthier and most of all more POSITIVE. I find myself sometimes whinging and whining about everything. I often stop myself and say to myself there are ALOT of people worse off than you so shut it and keep going.

So all in all no more excuses and time to look at life in a positive light and taking it by the balls and actually live it. Nathan and I spoke about many active things we can do together and I can tell you now our relationship is stronger than ever. He is my rock and supports me 100%. I will succeed and be a size 10-12 by the end of the 12 week challenge.

BRING IT ON.

Day 4

Yesterday found out I have to do pilates 2-3 days a week plus the 3 days of gym a week and 4 work shifts this week man am I going to be a busy little bee. I felt overwhelmed yesterday and terrified that this is how my life will be when I am fit and healthy = hectic. I am not very good with hectic really it feels like I am being pushed to do things and one thing about me is if I am pushed I tend to dig my heels in.

Lets just hope tonight isn't hectic and completely controllable. On a side note I am completely enjoying my herbal teas and keeping up the 2 litres of water a day :). Now to keep up the intensity of exercise. Why is it I already feel like I need a holiday and we haven't even started yet lol.

I keep telling myself I can do this, I can do this. Oh and make my mum eat her own words :P

Have a nice day everyone.

Day 3

Feeling really flat today but have been doing the housework. Might pop an exercise dvd on later and smash it out about 2 hours before bed then I might sleep better.

I feel really proud of my cooking efforts last night. It was yummy and even the man liked it :). Took quite a bit of preparation though. I can see it now I will be having 1 cooking day where I cook all the meals for the week and then freeze them. Then it can be convenience for the rest of the week. Note to self buy more storage containers.

All in all a very boring day. Will add more later if something exciting happens but i doubt it. Head feels cloudy and bleh :(. But body feels pretty good apart from my lower back from yesterday but nothing too evil. Can't believe its only 4 days til preseason. BRING IT ON.

Day 2
Work last night was extremely shit. I came home through a tanty at Nathan and sat up talking with him til midnight. Poor man has to work a 12 hour day today too. He said he couldn't let me go to bed insane.

I slept well but not enough. Went to the gym this morning and smashed out 6km on the bike and a training session that is going to kill my butt muscles later.

Ok plan for today Rip some more Dvds onto our new media box and find some wedding stationary and actually order it. As some of my relatives are starting to ask are they even invited. It's 6 months away people gees give me a little time to kick Nathan's butt into gear to give me his list. Next step of today is to go grocery shopping and cook Nathan a meal out of the no more excuses cookbook (this will be fun).

Oh and chillax somewhere in that today too :).

Colin has piped down a little since yesterday so on a win with him. I'm eating clean today and plan is to also smash out another 6-10km tomorrow. That's if I can move after today's session lol.

My entries may be boring but I am putting it out there :). 

day 1

Got up early, much to my disgust. Went to bed emotional last night but didn't eat anything that wasn't dinner so I will give myself a high five for that. Gym session this morning was good but took every ounce of my energy to motivate myself just not in a good head space right now and need to shake this feeling off and tell Colin to get back into his cage.

Colin is that negative voice in my head. My good friend Bonnie told me one day to give the negative voice a name so I can tell it to Jump off a cliff and recognise that it isn't the real me. Man it works a treat. I don't get angry at myself I get angry at Colin. I named him using the first letter of my name and making it male (The opposite sex). So if you are male reading this it helps making it female cos we don't always understand the opposite sex and I sure as hell don't know why Colin like to torture me.

Some days I wonder and amaze myself that I don't have depression. I did however suffer from panic attacks during the hell years. Too much stress will do that to a person. My last panic attack was over a year ago now so YAY. Cos man I hate those. Was at the ED twice because of the bastards.

Ok so today is a new day and I am finding it therapeutic to write down my thoughts even if no one reads them it is still helping me.

Working this afternoon so hopefully it will be a great shift.

I vow that this week I will slam out another 30km at least I felt so lazy last week and well lookie here no weight lost. My fault really but also nothing gained so there is a plus there.

Have a great day everyone.

First blog ever

Ok where to begin and how much of a story do I really want to tell complete strangers and how back do we need to dig to get to the real issue that is my fatness.

Ok music blared (bugging the fiance' hehehe) and we are off.

My overeating habits/issues began at a very young age well in my teens anyways.  When I was developing and my mother would call me fat and my sister would get on that band wagon too. Now my mum will completely deny this because she never used that exact word but introducing me to her friends as her younger bigger daughter is kind of the same wouldn't you agree. Oh and there was also the time a few years back when I injured my knee canoeing and some of the others were concerned about the swelling that was happening around my knee to which my mum replied "her knees are always that big".  Don't get me wrong I love my mum she just had a harsh upbringing and never learned how to give out sympathy to anyone (same as my nan and myself but at least I empathise instead).

This blog is about my issues and how I got to where I was in a period of 9 years and facing up to my own responsibilities and be accountable for my own fat and no longer blame anyone else. I truly feel that I gained the most of my weight in the years of lets call it the hell that is JEREMY. I met Jeremy online via friend finder in my early uni years and chatted to him online for about 5 years before he decided to meet me. He is from Canada. We met when I was living in Adelaide and pretty much fell in love even though looking back don't really know why. He went back to Canada with me begging for him to come back to Australia for 53 weeks and it took a phone proposal (his idea) to come back to Australia on a working visa. For the next 2 years we would battle the immigration department to let him stay permanently. That only cost me about 3000 dollars, you read right cost ME. I supported his ass financially, emotionally and psychologically for 5 years in total til I came to my senses and broke it off. Mind you our relationship was over about 3 years prior to that and I was just his sugar mumma who paid for the roof over his head, the food on his plate and was his personal chaffeur. Jeremy would drink heavily and yes he did work but ALL his money went to booze and cigarettes. He was out at the pubs at least 4 nights a week and not getting home til 3 or 4am whilst promising me he would be home hours earlier. I gave every ounce of my being to him and this is when I started to not give two hoots about my own being and concentrated on making him happy in hopes he would return the favor. Still waiting on that guys but no longer holding my breath (Thank god or I would be dead by now). I gained the most of my weight throughout this time because even though he was a chef we ate takeaway about 5 nights a week and I emotionally ate on top of that. I would often sit on the couch or on the computer playing world of warcraft to escape my reality. To summon up the hell that was my life with Jeremy I will say this I was 26k in debt because of him and my mistakes. I will not blame it all on him but he did rob me of everything I had to live for.

When we broke up, I got the guts to say the whole I love you but am not in love with you spiel. I saw the weight literally lift off his shoulders.  6 months prior to the ending of that relationship I started to talk to the amazing guy I have ever met. Whom would be my gorgeous fiance' who has supported me through everything and broken down every wall I had up and there was ALOT. I was used and abused by Jeremy and I wasn't allowing for that to happen again EVER.  The weekend I met Nathan face to face (prior to this I spoke to him via world of Warcraft and 1 week of smsing) there was fireworks between us and I felt like I had been hit in the face by a brick wall. It was the happiest and saddest weekend of my life. Saddest because my favourite Aunty died of an asthma attack on the saturday night and he was there when I got the news and I was falling apart when I felt these strong arms around me that cuddled me tightly. I will never forget that night. He had only met the 85 kilo me for 1 night prior to this and he was my rock and since that weekend has always been my rock.

It was Nathan that switched the light on for me and made me feel deserving of happiness. When I am around him I feel like a supermodel and still can't believe he looked at me the way he did when I was so HUGE. I started to eat more healthily and was much more happier but still not yet comfortable in my own skin yet. I didn't look at myself in a mirror for years and was in deny. But then I snapped and said to myself I have had enough of being called big or fat. The only person who can change this is me. I joined the gym last year and have lost 15 kilos so far and am very proud.

The lessons I want to learn through the 12 week challenge is

1. how do I stop being a people pleaser and focus on myself. (Struggling with this one)
2. How do I stop sabotaging myself when I feel down or the negative thoughts creep back in? (old habits die hard)
3. I want to prove to myself that I am not lazy or ugly but resilient and damn cute hehehe.
4. How to cook healthy meals (hopeless in the kitchen)
5. How to deal with my past? (sometimes I dwell back on it all and damn it hurts)

Ok a positive note to finish it up I have gotten stronger with my willpower and have become alot fitter and I am proud of that (Man that really is hard to say and shouldn't be)

That is my get to know my issues blog and a small snippit about me. Next blog bullying and other battles.