Got up early, much to my disgust. Went to bed emotional last night but didn't eat anything that wasn't dinner so I will give myself a high five for that. Gym session this morning was good but took every ounce of my energy to motivate myself just not in a good head space right now and need to shake this feeling off and tell Colin to get back into his cage.
Colin is that negative voice in my head. My good friend Bonnie told me one day to give the negative voice a name so I can tell it to Jump off a cliff and recognise that it isn't the real me. Man it works a treat. I don't get angry at myself I get angry at Colin. I named him using the first letter of my name and making it male (The opposite sex). So if you are male reading this it helps making it female cos we don't always understand the opposite sex and I sure as hell don't know why Colin like to torture me.
Some days I wonder and amaze myself that I don't have depression. I did however suffer from panic attacks during the hell years. Too much stress will do that to a person. My last panic attack was over a year ago now so YAY. Cos man I hate those. Was at the ED twice because of the bastards.
Ok so today is a new day and I am finding it therapeutic to write down my thoughts even if no one reads them it is still helping me.
Working this afternoon so hopefully it will be a great shift.
I vow that this week I will slam out another 30km at least I felt so lazy last week and well lookie here no weight lost. My fault really but also nothing gained so there is a plus there.
Have a great day everyone.
Sunday 29 April 2012
First blog ever
Ok where to begin and how much of a story do I really want to tell complete strangers and how back do we need to dig to get to the real issue that is my fatness.
Ok music blared (bugging the fiance' hehehe) and we are off.
My overeating habits/issues began at a very young age well in my teens anyways. When I was developing and my mother would call me fat and my sister would get on that band wagon too. Now my mum will completely deny this because she never used that exact word but introducing me to her friends as her younger bigger daughter is kind of the same wouldn't you agree. Oh and there was also the time a few years back when I injured my knee canoeing and some of the others were concerned about the swelling that was happening around my knee to which my mum replied "her knees are always that big". Don't get me wrong I love my mum she just had a harsh upbringing and never learned how to give out sympathy to anyone (same as my nan and myself but at least I empathise instead).
This blog is about my issues and how I got to where I was in a period of 9 years and facing up to my own responsibilities and be accountable for my own fat and no longer blame anyone else. I truly feel that I gained the most of my weight in the years of lets call it the hell that is JEREMY. I met Jeremy online via friend finder in my early uni years and chatted to him online for about 5 years before he decided to meet me. He is from Canada. We met when I was living in Adelaide and pretty much fell in love even though looking back don't really know why. He went back to Canada with me begging for him to come back to Australia for 53 weeks and it took a phone proposal (his idea) to come back to Australia on a working visa. For the next 2 years we would battle the immigration department to let him stay permanently. That only cost me about 3000 dollars, you read right cost ME. I supported his ass financially, emotionally and psychologically for 5 years in total til I came to my senses and broke it off. Mind you our relationship was over about 3 years prior to that and I was just his sugar mumma who paid for the roof over his head, the food on his plate and was his personal chaffeur. Jeremy would drink heavily and yes he did work but ALL his money went to booze and cigarettes. He was out at the pubs at least 4 nights a week and not getting home til 3 or 4am whilst promising me he would be home hours earlier. I gave every ounce of my being to him and this is when I started to not give two hoots about my own being and concentrated on making him happy in hopes he would return the favor. Still waiting on that guys but no longer holding my breath (Thank god or I would be dead by now). I gained the most of my weight throughout this time because even though he was a chef we ate takeaway about 5 nights a week and I emotionally ate on top of that. I would often sit on the couch or on the computer playing world of warcraft to escape my reality. To summon up the hell that was my life with Jeremy I will say this I was 26k in debt because of him and my mistakes. I will not blame it all on him but he did rob me of everything I had to live for.
When we broke up, I got the guts to say the whole I love you but am not in love with you spiel. I saw the weight literally lift off his shoulders. 6 months prior to the ending of that relationship I started to talk to the amazing guy I have ever met. Whom would be my gorgeous fiance' who has supported me through everything and broken down every wall I had up and there was ALOT. I was used and abused by Jeremy and I wasn't allowing for that to happen again EVER. The weekend I met Nathan face to face (prior to this I spoke to him via world of Warcraft and 1 week of smsing) there was fireworks between us and I felt like I had been hit in the face by a brick wall. It was the happiest and saddest weekend of my life. Saddest because my favourite Aunty died of an asthma attack on the saturday night and he was there when I got the news and I was falling apart when I felt these strong arms around me that cuddled me tightly. I will never forget that night. He had only met the 85 kilo me for 1 night prior to this and he was my rock and since that weekend has always been my rock.
It was Nathan that switched the light on for me and made me feel deserving of happiness. When I am around him I feel like a supermodel and still can't believe he looked at me the way he did when I was so HUGE. I started to eat more healthily and was much more happier but still not yet comfortable in my own skin yet. I didn't look at myself in a mirror for years and was in deny. But then I snapped and said to myself I have had enough of being called big or fat. The only person who can change this is me. I joined the gym last year and have lost 15 kilos so far and am very proud.
The lessons I want to learn through the 12 week challenge is
That is my get to know my issues blog and a small snippit about me. Next blog bullying and other battles.
Ok music blared (bugging the fiance' hehehe) and we are off.
My overeating habits/issues began at a very young age well in my teens anyways. When I was developing and my mother would call me fat and my sister would get on that band wagon too. Now my mum will completely deny this because she never used that exact word but introducing me to her friends as her younger bigger daughter is kind of the same wouldn't you agree. Oh and there was also the time a few years back when I injured my knee canoeing and some of the others were concerned about the swelling that was happening around my knee to which my mum replied "her knees are always that big". Don't get me wrong I love my mum she just had a harsh upbringing and never learned how to give out sympathy to anyone (same as my nan and myself but at least I empathise instead).
This blog is about my issues and how I got to where I was in a period of 9 years and facing up to my own responsibilities and be accountable for my own fat and no longer blame anyone else. I truly feel that I gained the most of my weight in the years of lets call it the hell that is JEREMY. I met Jeremy online via friend finder in my early uni years and chatted to him online for about 5 years before he decided to meet me. He is from Canada. We met when I was living in Adelaide and pretty much fell in love even though looking back don't really know why. He went back to Canada with me begging for him to come back to Australia for 53 weeks and it took a phone proposal (his idea) to come back to Australia on a working visa. For the next 2 years we would battle the immigration department to let him stay permanently. That only cost me about 3000 dollars, you read right cost ME. I supported his ass financially, emotionally and psychologically for 5 years in total til I came to my senses and broke it off. Mind you our relationship was over about 3 years prior to that and I was just his sugar mumma who paid for the roof over his head, the food on his plate and was his personal chaffeur. Jeremy would drink heavily and yes he did work but ALL his money went to booze and cigarettes. He was out at the pubs at least 4 nights a week and not getting home til 3 or 4am whilst promising me he would be home hours earlier. I gave every ounce of my being to him and this is when I started to not give two hoots about my own being and concentrated on making him happy in hopes he would return the favor. Still waiting on that guys but no longer holding my breath (Thank god or I would be dead by now). I gained the most of my weight throughout this time because even though he was a chef we ate takeaway about 5 nights a week and I emotionally ate on top of that. I would often sit on the couch or on the computer playing world of warcraft to escape my reality. To summon up the hell that was my life with Jeremy I will say this I was 26k in debt because of him and my mistakes. I will not blame it all on him but he did rob me of everything I had to live for.
When we broke up, I got the guts to say the whole I love you but am not in love with you spiel. I saw the weight literally lift off his shoulders. 6 months prior to the ending of that relationship I started to talk to the amazing guy I have ever met. Whom would be my gorgeous fiance' who has supported me through everything and broken down every wall I had up and there was ALOT. I was used and abused by Jeremy and I wasn't allowing for that to happen again EVER. The weekend I met Nathan face to face (prior to this I spoke to him via world of Warcraft and 1 week of smsing) there was fireworks between us and I felt like I had been hit in the face by a brick wall. It was the happiest and saddest weekend of my life. Saddest because my favourite Aunty died of an asthma attack on the saturday night and he was there when I got the news and I was falling apart when I felt these strong arms around me that cuddled me tightly. I will never forget that night. He had only met the 85 kilo me for 1 night prior to this and he was my rock and since that weekend has always been my rock.
It was Nathan that switched the light on for me and made me feel deserving of happiness. When I am around him I feel like a supermodel and still can't believe he looked at me the way he did when I was so HUGE. I started to eat more healthily and was much more happier but still not yet comfortable in my own skin yet. I didn't look at myself in a mirror for years and was in deny. But then I snapped and said to myself I have had enough of being called big or fat. The only person who can change this is me. I joined the gym last year and have lost 15 kilos so far and am very proud.
The lessons I want to learn through the 12 week challenge is
- how do I stop being a people pleaser and focus on myself. (Struggling with this one)
- How do I stop sabotaging myself when I feel down or the negative thoughts creep back in? (old habits die hard)
- I want to prove to myself that I am not lazy or ugly but resilient and damn cute hehehe.
- How to cook healthy meals (hopeless in the kitchen)
- How to deal with my past? (sometimes I dwell back on it all and damn it hurts)
That is my get to know my issues blog and a small snippit about me. Next blog bullying and other battles.
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